We have came so far...

I have to admit, life as a new mom was a strange transition for me. Right before I went on maternity leave, I had the busiest month at work, being 8 months pregnant, I was running around and working OT for a huge audit at work. Although I was exhausted, I have always enjoyed the adrenaline rush of tight deadlines. The adrenaline rush continued after baby Tyler's arrival, hubby and I were learning how to deal with our new roles as parents, and the constant visitors and emails/phone calls from friends kept things very interesting. However, as the weeks go by, things were starting to settle down, and I found myself feeling blue. The adrenaline was gone, the repetitive routine with a newborn, the constant crying (both baby Tyler and me!), the lack of sleep were all starting to get to me. As I sat in his room in the middle of the night trying to rock him to sleep (in one of his many many night awakenings), I often wonder how other people get through this?? Hubby and I were very prepare before our son's arrival, we read many books and asked many parents for advice, we were equipped with all the latest and newest baby gear, but nothing would ever prepare us for this.

I knew... I would have to wake up in the middle of the night to feed the baby..but I didn't expect to have to wake up every 1.5 hr and feed him for 40 min each time

I knew..babies cry...but I didn't expect he would cry from 4pm to 9pm every evening unless hubby and I take turns holding/rocking/singing to him

I knew..babies eat often...but I didn't expect to be chain to the sofa to feed him every hr for 40 min; by the time he was done, it was starting all over again

But the physical hardship and lack of sleep were nothing compared to the strong guilt I had inside me. After all, I was always the "mother - type", I have always loved kids, and begged my hubby to start a family the moment we got married (actually, I think I started the campaign the moment we got engaged)!

As I look at my baby, I wonder how can something so small and sweet make me feel so defeated?

Every day I would wake up and start counting down to the time my hubby comes home, some days I would even hold my crying baby by the front door, so that I can hand him off to my hubby the moment he steps foot into the door. I would spend days strolling in the mall aimlessly just so I can get the baby to sleep in his car seat, although he was always with me, I just fell really lonely at home. Things were starting to finally turn around at around 3 months, it was a combination of Tyler getting more responsive, sleeping better at night and my increasing confidence as a mom. One night as I sat in bed with hubby recapping our day, I told him: "I think we should keep Tyler (we have always joked that we should give him away to Brad and Angelina), I am starting to fall in love with him!" I can't believe it took me 3 months to feel comfortable as a mom and be connected to my baby.

Nowadays, life is totally different! Baby Tyler is a little bundle of joy at 6 months, all of our breastfeeding problems are behind us, he is still nursing, but LOVES to eat solids. He still likes to cry and annoy his mommy from time to time, but he loves to smile, giggle and cuddle just as much. Although I still look forward to my hubby's return every day, life with this little monster is getting easier to handle. He goes sleep early which gives hubby and I time alone to enjoy our evenings, and on some nights, he even let me get a solid 8 hrs of sleep (crap, I just jinxed myself, I'm sure he is going to wake up now!!) I know it will be months or even years (or never) before I feel 100% confident in motherhood, but I've learned not to obsess about doing things right, but just to enjoy and cherish the journey! I wouldn't have done it without my strong supportive system, my dear hubby, my parents, my sister (who always keep me positive), my cousin Clara (who is the definition of a super mom!) and my dear girlfriends (Adrienne - mat leave would not be the same without you, Lisa - who always makes me laugh), thank you and I love you all!!! XOXO